My Ex-Best Friend

Not all heroes wear capes they say. Well, not all villains are frightening... at first

When I leave my apartment, for my daily walk. I'm fairly clobbered breathless by a tiny human juggernaut, slamming into me.

I'm10,willyoubemybestfriend,the words come out in a rush.

My assailant is tiny. You cant be 10 you're what 5?

...at most.

Shes 4 her brother chimes in, I'm the eldest and I'm 7.

I'm being catfished by a 4 year old?

I'm 10, she' repeats adamantly. Willyoubemybestfriend?

I'll admit I'm both amused by her bravado and oddly flattered by the attention. Not to mention impressed by her enterprise.Plus no one else is lining up to be my best friend these days.

In a well nigh catastrophic lapse in restraint I respond 'sure why not. Best friends it is'.

My allegedly 10 year old best friend is 4 .

For a moment I wonder if I should lie about my age too.

But its obvious 10 is pretty much her limit when it comes to advanced age. 36 might be too ancient to comprehend.

Are you a mommy?I have a mommy too.

I concur that I am indeed a mommy.

Do you like cats?

I do.

And hairbands?

Her questions are rapid fire

No, not really.

Well,I do.shes petulant.

It's ok, we can like different things and still be friends.

Oh,ok. Well, do you like ...cocomo.

The red ones.

And do you like MnMs?

Off course I do.

You know who my favourite is?

No.YOU are.she skips away blowing kisses

Wow I'm floored. This little stalker is super weird... but also charming my socks off.

She circles back, more purposeful this time.

What do you have in your pockets?

Umm,nothing?

But shes relentless

What do you have in your pockets? There's an interrogative gleam in her eye.

A tissue paper, my phone.

Money she says.

You have money in your pocket.

Erhmm,actually no...I trail off

But she's insistent.

You're big , big people have money. Get your money and let's buy chocolate.

We're best friends now

Ah , I get it.

The charm offensive, the love bombing.This is a shakedown.

Umm, I actually don't bring money when I go for a walk.

Tomorrow then. she answers decisively.Tomorrow you will bring money.

Ok.this is awkward.

My new best friend is obviously in this for material benefit.

When I go for a walk the next day. I do bring treats, the manipulation is harmlessly transparent ,besides she's sweet.

She eats my offerings and then fixes me with a gimlet gaze.

There were no MnMs.

Tomorrow you will bring MnMs.

Ok,this is a bit ridiculous.

But the next day I do buy MnMs anyway. Why disappoint the kid?

This is misguided of me.

A precedent has been set.

For the next 6 months at approximately 5PM this indefatigable little bridge troll sets up shop in front of my door shaking down anyone who enters or leaves for candy.

Anyone who wants to know who she is?

She is my best friend, tm.

The neighbours probably suspect me of being a child molester.

Unaware of the fact that it is in fact her, this pint sized predator who is benignly stalking me.

What does she want?

Chocolate.

I decided I want out of this sugar mommy arrangement. So I tried a new tack.

Outright rejection .

Undeterred, she brings in the heavy guns.

Want to go to my place?

Ok, coming from a 4 year old this should not seem threatening .

But I know this particular 4 year old.She is ruthlessly relentless. I ponder the possibilities of a restraining order. Would it technically be legal to take one our on a 4 (allegedly 10) year old.

She paints a highly improbable picture.

I have chocolate at my place.she says.

Ok plausible but I'm a 36 year old woman you can't lure me in with chocolate alone.

Her conversational repertoire, which had up to this point been limited to chocolate, turns out to be quite extensive.

She trots out an extensive lineup of persuasion techniques, air kisses followed by a semi crazed ballet in the middle of the street during which she recites sing-song

"We have cats and chocolate and cocomo and 5 bathrooms. My place is GREAT"

I am impressed but still impervious to her maneuverings.

She is diabolically dogged.

Every day I trudge onwards on my walk as she bludgeons me with the numerous unlikely merits of her home.

I juggle my refusals with the constant struggle to maintain the precarious balance between my self respect as a middle aged 30 something and her fragile self esteem as a very odd child.

She takes a stab at deception.

We have a swing!

I don't seem impressed enough.

We have a swing. and a pony AND cocomo.

I consider the unlikely juxtaposition of listed attractions ,

Look ,I'm busy and I can't come to your place. I'm sorry.

My refusal falls on deaf ears.

She fixes me with a limpid wide eyed gaze and jumps up and down.

Come ,come, come,come,come. We have stuff, lots and lots of STUFF.

Her attempts at mind control via hypnosis bear no fruit.

She is determined that I come to her place.

She parks outside my home and describes a veritable buffet of fantastical attractions.

Carrots. We have carrots and dogs and a kiddy pool.

I falter, maybe I’m being too hard on the kid.

Shes seems to sense my weakness and starts running around me in demented circles,in a rumpelstitltskin like dance of crowing welcome.

You’re Coming, you’re coming. You’re COMING.

Yikes, she's certifiable.

I harden my resolve and grimly walk on. I've already felt the sting of betrayal. I want her to go home.

Besides, I'm fairly sure that the tiniest lapse in resistance will render her truly unstoppable. Once I visit her lair. I may never be allowed to leave

She will extort my body weight in chocolate as ransom.

Her face falls.

You really won't come? Like REALLY?

In a word, No.

I flail around for a likely sounding excuse

I'm moving.

She frowns, this is too arbitrary to seem legitimate.

Great, I've lied myself into a quandary.

Moving where?

Away, I announce vaguely.

Immediately her eyes welled up.

This is not my proudest moment.

I've lied and made a child cry, but there might be light at the end of this tunnel.

Will you come visit?

Sure I will. NOT.

For a week I peer from my curtains to make sure she isnt outside before leaving my apartment.

I've changed my walk schedule in order to avoid any awkward run-ins with my ex best friend.

I'm sometimes a little sad, it's a confusing sort of sadness, very real,almost tangible

But still undeniably ridiculous.

But occasionally I still wonder if she found another best friend to extort chocolate of.